Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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