Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
