VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
