Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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