Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
