The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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