Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
