from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
