you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My penis needs a shock collar
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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