so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
