I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
