I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
