Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
