I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Someone shattered a urinal.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
