ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
