In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
