What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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