I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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