Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize