Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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