I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize