You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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