I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was born a porn star she said
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
