NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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