I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
