you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize