in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
