did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Someone came in the potted fern
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
