Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
