Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I forget how to act sober
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize