PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
