Kiss
Puke
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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