today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
