Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
