Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
