Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
