I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
