A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
