You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
