I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
