I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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