he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
