my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
