i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
