based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
