i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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