I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
NoShamevember. You game?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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