Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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