I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He has the fingertips of a God
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