Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
