Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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