no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
