you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
