I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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