every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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