if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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