I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my vagina is haunted
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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