Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
