Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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